January 4, 2008

Yesterday I had a meltdown. I found out that I'm leaving on July 3rd, which means I have exactly 6 months to raise my support, get my visa, work permits, and my life together before I leave for a whole year. I started thinking about the enormity of the task at hand, how much I'm going to miss my friends, and questioning whether or not I really have a heart for service. I was downloading 5 new documents that needed filling out, including an employment contract (eek!) plus a 31 page manual that needs to be read, and I was eyeing up the corner in my office thinking how comforting it would be to curl up there in the fetal position. For a second, I even thought I'd made a big mistake in pursuing this... but only for a second because deep down I know that's not possible, and it's just the Enemy planting more doubts.

It seems like every missionary I've ever met is so calm - they have it all together. I wonder how they felt while they were preparing for their first mission. I have a feeling it's pretty normal to go through a time of freaking out about this decision. But since none of them live around here to give me a pep talk, I did the next best thing... I called my biggest fans and forced them to tell me it's all going to be ok, and remind me that God is Good!
So last night, after I'd been hugged, coddled, and successfully mollified, I spent some time alone in thought & prayer. I was thinking about that good ol' analogy about how God is weaving a tapestry with our lives. Up close, tapestries don't look so good - they're kind of a mess. Some of the threads don't makes sense. They seem like the wrong color and totally out of place from close up. But when you step back and look at the whole canvas, it's complex & richly designed. God sees the whole picture, and is creating something beautiful with our lives... even with those ugly threads.

As freaked out as I was (am) about leaving, I absolutely believe that everything in my life has been building up to this decision. It may not feel like the perfect time (cuz I'm kinda old) and I may miss my friends tremendously (no getting around that) but this is God's will for my life so I can trust Him to get me there, and that He knows me... and I'm going to love this! I'm going to come out of this experience trusting Him more and loving Him more than ever. It's going to be so Amazing! I really have no doubt that I'm MEANT to do this.

I'm a little embarassed to have gotten so worked up and worried. But I can't promise that it won't happen again. This is really a lesson in letting go - of selfishness, of control, and of my own not-so-well conceived ideas of what my life is supposed to look like at my age.
Thanks for all of your love & prayers. Keep on Prayin'!

God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night the brighter they shine. ~David Nicholas
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. ~Mary C. Crowley