October 31, 2007

I'm not sure why I was keeping all of this to myself, instead of sharing it with my faithful readers. Priscilla suggested that I start documenting everything I see God doing in my life this year while I get ready to be a missionary - and I agree that this will all be valuable to look back on.

I could not WAIT to get all of the paperwork from New Tribes, but when it finally arrived, I was discouraged to see how much was involved. The application itself was a BOOK - full of lovely questions like "describe your prayer & bible study habits", "briefly describe the Gospel message", "discuss a trial you went through & how you overcame it", "how are you maintaining victory over sin"... about 14 pages of questions like that! So I thought I'd just take it 1 step at a time - just do a page or 2 in a sitting instead of looking at the whole book & freaking out. I finished the first 4 pages of questions & a ton of the other paperwork (employment forms & such) in the first night & I was super excited about how focused I was, and how much I was getting done... Then I looked at the last page of the app. At the very end was a "confidential" section, that asked about your past. I was instantly completely deflated, totally defeated. I could not work on any more of the questions, all I could think about was what I should do about that last page. I briefly considered just not being honest about that part of my past... they don't need to know that, right? But I could not bring myself to lie. I called my friends Dave & Eric, literally bawling! I said "you guys told me that I'm a different person now. That you didn't ever need to hear about who I used to be because you don't even know that girl, you never met her... so why do I have to dredge all of that up now for complete strangers?! It's not fair! I don't want anyone to know this stuff - even my best friends don't know this!" They were very calm and both (completely separately) said the same thing - that I should be honest about my past, and just rely on God's sovereign plan for me. And they said that there is no way I'm the first christian with a sinful past who wanted to be a missionary! Duh, of course!! I should have realized that, but I was so stuck on my SELF that I wasn't thinking logically. They are so wise, and such good friends. (How am I ever going to be able to leave them?!!) However, I still struggled with it. That night I went to sleep and had the worst dreams of my life. I kept falling back to sleep, only to have scarier, more graphic dreams. At one point I woke up and was so terrified I couldn't move, and was too afraid to even breathe because I didn't want whatever was in my room with me to know I was there. I felt surrounded by evil. I cried out to God, and literally heard Him say "it's ok little one, don't be afraid, you're safe." I prayed that He would protect me in my dreams for the rest of the night - and He did. However, I woke up with a fever, and very ill. After a week of being so sick and spending most of the days sleeping, I finally went to the doctor and found out I had a sinus infection, bronchitis, and laryngitis (I literally couldn't speak for 2 days). Can you say - Full-Amored Spiritual Attack!?!?! I can't believe I didn't expect it! Of course, I'm about to go on the front lines for Christ, I should have known I would get some opposition from the Enemy. So I finally said - ENOUGH - and finished that last page of my application, and sent it in. I realized it was really a pride issue. I didn't want New Tribes to read about my past, but the truth is - that's what God has taken me out of... and it only shows how great His Grace, how unfailing is His love for me. So I answered every question honestly and added "All of this happened over 5 years ago, before I knew Christ. My life has since been transformed". And that's all that really matters!

My Pastor said that sometimes, God takes us through things like that just to remind us of how much we really need Him, and how much we needed Him before we knew Him. It gives us a renewed thankfulness for Him. I would say that's definitely true for me. I had forgotten how far I'd come (with God) in the last 5 years. It also taught me that while I was praying for focus to finish the paperwork - I was praying for physical focus, not Spiritual focus, which left me vulnerable. Lesson Learned!

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."- 1 Peter 5:8-9